My Story

We all have a story it seems. So I’ll give you some of mine and then tell you what I’ve learned from it “so far.”

Growing up I had one older brother and two younger sisters. Because of that family dynamic and loving children and babies as I did from a very young age, I planned on the same. Of course, there are always things that you would do differently when you had a family. Here are some of my resolutions to never do; never yell, never spank, never say to a child who asks, “But why?” – “Just because.” Or, “Just because I said so!” Not too many changes, right?

My husband came from a family of four as well. Interestingly, it was a family of two older brothers and one younger sister (opposite of mine?). Now I’m not too sure he had the same idea I did from the get to – four children. So he was relieved when my first pregnancy with a check by x-ray (no sonograms in those days) that it WASN’T twins!

First babies really should have a medal that they carry around with them for life saying, “I survived my parents and just look at me now!” I learned so much in that first year. I remember calling my dad (my closest parent, although I still had my mother) and saying, “Dad, what should I do? The baby is still sleeping and it’s been 3 1/2 HOURS! Shouldn’t I wake him so he can go to bed tonight?” My father wisely said, “Let sleeping babies lie. Don’t you know he’s busy? Busy growing. He’ll wake up when he’s hungry, or wet, or just done.”

No one ever told me about projectile vomiting either! I called the doctor on that one. It did only happen a couple of times, so no worry there either. But my husband was slightly taken aback when it happened to him when he was on the way to burping our son – he got shot (my husband) right square between the eyes. Oh, I’m so sorry, but I’ve never laughed so hard. Of course, after cleaning everybody up.

By the time we had our second child (five yrs. in between) I was definitely still aiming for four. Now don’t think birth was easy, but isn’t it amazing how God let’s you “forget” some things?

Again, my father came through with nicknames (he has that knack) for these two little urchins. The first was Beans – no reason and the second, Lightning. I asked why the “Lightning” and he said. “It’s easy. He’s like a light switch. He’s either ON – full tilt all day long, or OFF – finally quiet, sleeping. There’s no in-between!” It was SO true.

My second child was tough to keep up with. More energy, by far, than I and I had to make up some coping mechanisms quick. For instance, because his older brother had a tree house that had a homemade ladder to get up and another to get down in, I needed to teach him how to do that in his “high-tops”. For those of you who don’t know what they are, they’re the white “first” shoes that have support for the ankles and really help balance for learning to walk. Anyway, the whole idea was clever to begin with – make the fort on the ground. So my husband engineered the ladders to go through the crook in a tree and on the other side they ended up on the ground with hurricane fencing forming the sides. There was no door – so only kids could get in (theoretically) by ladder.

I had friends who were horrified that I allowed the second child to do this climbing, but I knew that if I didn’t teach him how he would be doing it anyway on his own (& falling). Great fun those tree houses. We had several over the years.

Another little tidbit I learned from my second son was how to slow down the Lightning to make a point. I found that if I took the time to remove him from the fray and quietly sat him on my lap facing me, we could reason together. Children really want to please us and so I used that time just for he and I to “talk” over what would be a better solution, or even what to do NOW to make a situation better. Basically, how to act in any given situation since over-reaction occurs non-stop at young ages.

My children have been several of my greatest teachers. I learned also that I seem to thrive on chaos. Having four children (even though five years between the first three and 22 months between the last two – last one being a girl!) along with the three dogs and four cats, and mowing the back 40, made me who I am today.

The most important skill that I am thankful for is problem solving and patience. It has helped me in so many other places in my life than just parenting. I’ve learned how to understand myself, where my struggles come from, how to deal with that and teach myself new coping mechanisms for today. I find that when I have my own head clear on different issues (old, past triggers for me) I can be more present with my children and really just deal with what is at hand. Otherwise, that yelling thing that I so promised not to do – was just what I did.

My third child was just about due and my two older boys desperately wanted a sister. We were not too big on knowing beforehand, but I decided that if it was going to be a boy I’d at least have time to set some ground work (for not being disappointed) and if it was a girl – let it be a surprise! Well, it was a boy. So we talked about how great it would be and that we might be on our way to our own football team, yea! He is still such an important part of our team and truly appreciated by his older siblings. Trust me, we got there after much work on sibling rivalry, etc.

Finally, my dear sweet daughter came along. Thank goodness she had her closest-in-age brother around. He was her protector, friend, and best pal. Of course, that only lasts until the older was in high school and she wasn’t. Tough times and many lessons later (and years) they do have memories just to themselves.

My husband and I have been on this journey together for a great reason too. I thank him for my strength and independence; something that I had to learn that I had in me and could count on. I mistakenly thought being married was “being taken care of” but burst that bubble fairly soon, thank goodness. Because my husband was absent a lot, being a commuting husband and sole breadwinner for our family, I had to step it up big time. We had agreed early on that I would be the homemaker and stay at home mom.

On top of my day job I also worked from home managing a psychologist’s office for 15 years. That was perfect as I could to it on my time and still make soccer games, dentist appointments, etc. I also ran a day care center out of my home with a friend for a few years in the beginning of marriage (pre-school ages) before moms were ALL working and centers had to be “certified.”

Marriage is such a complicated relationship. But my husband has come along with me on many a search for mending fences, communicating better (Imago-intentional dialogue, Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.), to name a few. It has been a long road, but I have gained the most out of it through finding my inner strength and depending upon myself and my inner guide. I had been taught growing up to be a “pleaser” and keep everyone else happy. It took a bit of undoing, but perseverance is another one of my virtues I’ve found. So I thank my husband for all he has taught me too.

Our last child – you think you’re pretty good by the time you get to that one, right? WRONG. She taught us more about family, commitment, truth, grit, and deep life changing dichotomies.

A large part of our family dynamic changes came from my wonder daughter. Because she guided us to a school in Woodstock, Connecticut called Hyde School for her last three years of high school and OUR graduating with her there. We got there from some very difficult struggles for her in growing up. I respect her privacy here, but thank her again for taking all of us there. We are extremely proud of her in how she has continued to grow herself into a loving, delightful, beautiful (inside and out) person.

Many of my parenting and family knowledge comes from this place in time for us. Again, it gave me more of the tools that I have for that problem-solving gene (and patience) that I am so grateful for. It comes in handy with coaching as all my life experiences do. I just have to wait for the question.

So, my abbreviated version of “my story” brought me to what am I doing with the rest of my life. I’m an inquisitive person and love to learn, which I have found an explanation of in the Human Design System. So I did go to get trained in what I love to do. I’ve learned that problem solving isn’t just for those that are interested in it. We all could use some and it can be taught. My certification comes from NYU for Personal Life Coach and my addition to my life experience was added on to with Family/Parenting Coaching certification as well.

Coaching for me has been invigorating, exciting, and totally fulfilling because I get to see the growth that is possible in every one of us. We all have everything in us that we need for what we want to be in life. Through guided steps, curious questioning, avid listening and creating a free, non-judgmental space to grow – YOU are amazing! I thank each and every client for the privilege of watching them expand into the magnificent person that they always were.

My “story” has been interesting perhaps, but only a part of who I truly am. Now I know that the story is just that. It’s so nice not to have to carry any baggage around with me anymore, but to be free to enjoy what I got from it and move on in my life. I now look forward to all the little glitches in life because I know I’m about to learn something great.

I’m still not 100% at this, but each day brings another chance to try. I can choose…that I can do! It’s the remembering to ask my inner guide for what I want, or just for help, and choose again. I just have to remember, not always so easy, but what a great ride!