The major question is:  Instead of spending money, what can we do to surprise one another with “gifts”? (See the article, “Gifting Ideas”).  All it takes is some curious questions, or just a thought.  When we come from a place of cherishing one another “gifts” are easy to find.

All of us as individuals have our own ways in which we prefer to be shown love.  To give it to each other in the way it is appreciated is the rub.  For instance, I love to get flowers as a sign of appreciation, and not always on a holiday.  My husband, on the other hand, thinks coming in the back door every night with a smile one his face shows it!

This difference of opinion can cause rifts, as you can imagine.  The point being, we need to convey (communication) to each other HOW we value one another.  What is important to you?

Understand that if your husband or significant other loves to go out to the movies and you don’t particularly enjoy that, he may say, “Honey, let’s go to the movies tonight! Won’t that be fun?”  You know that that is exciting to him – so “gift” it to him by enjoying his enthusiasm and have some fun yourself.  it’s all in how you look at it.  If he has that list of what your treasures are (See the article,  “Gifting Ideas”), he can deliberately do one for you and vise versa.

Write out your lists for gifting and give them to each other.  Place them in a good spot (your top drawer in the dresser perhaps) so you can refer to it from time to time and pick one.  when you get a HUGE reaction of thankfulness you’ll know which ones to repeat more often.

Here are a few “surprise” gifts you might use.  For instance, instead of flowers (unless you have your own garden – remember, cost effective these days) how about getting a bag of Hershey “kisses”.  Okay, a one time output of cash…then when you pick up your honey at the airport after a long business trip, kiss him/her hello and place one Hershey “kiss” in her hand from your pocket.

Now I know some of you guys are twisting in your seat saying, “Oh, that’s so corny!”  This is a lesson I’ve tried to convey to all my sons:  “When your lady is happy, TRUST ME, you will be happy!

It takes so little – it’s from ONE thought!  Not only do these little things not cost you much, they make your life easier because your other half is happily surprised, felt thought OF, and smiles make serotonin that lifts the spirit.

Ask any of your buddies to try out some ideas of their own.  it may BE cheesey, but compare the results!

Here’s another “gift” my husband does for me (not even on my “gift” list).  When my children were all living home (4) my husband would bring me a cup of tea to my beside table as he was off to catch a train, in the wee hours of the morning.  Oh, how I loved that cup of tea!

Now my children are all grown and living their own journey.  My husband requested of me to join him each morning for that cup of tea.  I willingly do this as it’s our time to speak of our gratitude’s to each other and start the day.  On week-ends he brews coffee when he gets up and brings it to my bedside table.  He can’t stop the early rising, so he’s then off to his time on the computer.  So you see, it comes back to me ten-fold.  I LOVE that cup of java on Saturday and Sunday morning!

A little imagination and you can make much longer lists than I, I’m sure.  If you need some help to brainstorm, just call your coach!

So how about changing things up?

Take family dinner for instance.  I learned all these lessons, by the way, the hard way.  So I’m trying to save you some anguish by cutting to the chase, shall we say.

Family dinner.  Here’s how it works.  Everyone takes part that lives in the house. Those old enough to help cook, do.  If you start these chores early on while raising your children, they become second nature and there is little squabbling as they grow up.  Give the table setting job to younger children, depending on their age and capabilities. Don’t forget that even a 3 year old can place a napkin to the left of the plate (you do have to teach first by example) and guess what they are learning; how to follow directions and pride in accomplishment, all while doing a “chore”.

To change things up once in a while how about setting a special table: i.e., linen napkins (today’s permanent press napkins go straight to the wash & dry and ready to go).  Candles instead of electricity – how quieting to children and exciting.  Family style eating simply means putting the cooked food in the middle of the table (trivets to save the table) with serving spoons.  Everyone can have seconds and passing around encourages please and thank-you’s and it’s not even Thanksgiving!  All family members can take turns saying grace each time; and the little ones are soaking this all in.

Even if it is just the two of you – let’s pretend the children are all off for sleepovers.  Eating by candlelight makes any meal special and we seem to appreciate it more.  You may be saying, “But it takes so much more time.”  Ask yourself three questions:

• Do I want my children to know what manners are?  Or, did we forget what pleasure this is to do (if just the two of you)?
• If we schedule it, can it happen?

What’s important to us as a family?

It IS time to get back to basics.  What a perfect opportunity the Universe is giving us at the moment, to pay attention to these “little” things and re-evaluate what we are doing.

Let me further explain.  In Imago theory as taught by Harville Hendrix,  gifting is what we can do for one another.  Generally speaking this is for the “significant other” that is in our lives, but you can modify it to whomever you like.

Doing things for one another can be as little as holding out a chair for a lady to sit, to a magnificent cruise!  But seeing as how we are trying to do things inexpensively, let’s for now leave out the cruise, okay?

The main idea is to find out what your other half wishes for.  So take a Sunday afternoon and each of you write down what would be enjoyable for you to receive. Try to keep it simple, imaginative, easy to do. When my children were all home and mornings were early, my husband gifted to me a nice hot cup of tea while I was still in bed and he was off to the train.  It didn’t matter that this gift went on for years, I still enjoyed it each and every time.

Examples of  “gifts”:  At the top of your page write:

The Things I Would Love to Receive

• A back rub
• A walk together on the beach
• Dinner for two
• Time together on a regular basis (breakfast special on a Sunday)
• A book
• Homemade brownies
• Pot luck super for 6 (i.e., bringing together of friends)
• Play golf with me
• Cuddling, no “you know what” involved
• Appreciation of comfort of home
• Play games (cards perhaps)

Now, go make up your own list.  I would love it if you would like to share them by e-mail to me as I could then make a collection of some pretty interesting lists, I’m sure!

Being vulnerable comes with admitting mistakes.  We think we have to be the constant model for our children, but unfortunately we take it too far sometimes.  it should also be taught that admitting mistakes is a teaching as well. It is not just the good things that we do are they learning from us anyway, right?  those “little pictures” do have big ears.

Admitting when we are wrong or have made a bad choice, which culminates in a mistake, teaches our children empathy and compassion and even what the “right” thing is to do.  Remember the principles of your family?  When they learn empathy and compassion from home with you there is a gift here.  They take the gift of compassion and empathy with them throughout their lives.

Apologies come hard for some of us.  But when you do them with little people they feel important.  They may be thinking, “I must be pretty important for Mommy to say, ‘I’m sorry’ to me.”  It also allows for mistakes to be viewed as a learning point,  how to move on, but with integrity.  You have taken the time to apologize, maybe even explain yourself and show that it is not the end of the world.

A good idea for the Family Meeting can be an Apology Box.  When something happens during the week that you felt bad for and know you need to apologize, but may not have at the time, write it down and place it in the Box for Family Meeting time.  Parents, you can do this for each other too.

Learning how to admit mistakes also teaches that you can go off track but there are those who do always love you no matter what.  The mistake can be a lesson in how to move on from here, how to lean on those who love you unconditionally and even how to  problem solve together.  Learn from our mistakes, correct what you can, and move on. That is life.

We all want our children to grow up.  Part of that is growing apart, or looked at from a teenager’s point of view: being independent.  At this age they try on all kinds of different personas and some of them will be in direct opposition to yours.  This is part of growing up and is normal.  That doesn’t mean that you approve of them all.  But that also doesn’t mean that you give up all rights as a parent.  NOW is the time you are most needed.

If you have not learned the art of “disconnecting” with your child you could be in big trouble right about now.  No longer is it possible to Just Say No and have a compliant person looking back at you.  All the work you have done as a family with talking about your family values, principles, mandatory fun nights, and Family Meetings, will come into play here.  You will be glad you put in the time when they were young.  You are not their friend, yo are their parent.

• What are the agreed upon boundaries for your child now?
• Have you put in place the teacher of “principles over rules”?
• What does disconnecting mean?
• How far can we go?  Can they go?
• What is safety, vs. leniency?
• Keeping connected – topic today

Your Family Coach can lead you through all these questions and help you come up with solutions that match your family specifically.

What we demand of others is what we get.  Don’t you want to have a respectful household?  Isn’t it important to guide your child through this tough time with love and support?  Believe me; they are suffering as much as you think you are, but bottom line, who’s the parent?

There are steps that you can take as a parent to keep the emotional connection open, honest, and yet somehow growing as you allow that experimentation to go beyond the family.  Remember the so called terrible two’s?  Revisit your family structure here, you’ll find that same child.  The rules haven’t changed in the game either, just their size.

Keep a box handy in the kitchen on a high shelf.  I kept mine in the pantry on a shelf about chest high.  The best container was a hard cardboard box with low sides (like the ones at the big shopping places where you buy in quantity).  It has to be very sturdy so you can whip it out at a moments notice and not have it collapse.  Place things in it by order of greatest importance.  Actually the band aids go in the back as that is the last thing that goes on.

• On a 3×5 card put emergency #’s for poison control and your Dr.’s #
• Red washcloth – no blood, no tears – sometimes!
• Antiseptic wash
• Favorite gels for bee stings, scrapes
• Anti-bacteria spray
• Gauze pads – numerous sizes
• Bandages that self adhere for large problems
• Ace bandage
• Last, but not least, band aids in assorted sizes
• Kisses and hugs

I have found that the material band aid gives more flexibility and is more comfortable, but that is my experience.  Plus I had one child that could NOT tolerate band aids.  Necessity is the mother of invention.  Now that same child has pierced ears so go figure.  Anyway, I used a lot of gauze pads and self-adhesive bandaging instead – works great and saved a lot of tears.

The kisses are for making it feel better.  “Let me kiss it and make it feel better, Jimmy.”  That’s for the not-catastrophic type of boo-boos.  My eight year old once explained to me, “But, Mommy, I hate to tell you, but that really doesn’t work.”  I said, “Well, at least it makes me feel better, so have a hug too.”  I think he was suddenly old enough to graduate from the kisses, don’t you?  I still always insisted on hugs though.

Your Coach can also help you in organizing such this as Charts for the fridge when you have everyone on medications from ear infection to the flu.  It’s a simple system and easy to make your own.  Household pets fall into this category sometimes too.

Kisses and hugs

In repeating what that “little person” has done wrong continually can damage their self-esteem, which is not what you want, right?  Discussing the better way to handle a situation at the end of “time-out” (if that is your family choice) helps them to not feel bad about themselves, but how to choose more wisely next time.  Paying attention to the behaviors we want allows little people to grow into responsible human beings.  In teach the choices they have also teaches them that they have control over a lot of their own lives.  it is a Universal Law.  What we attend to expands.  Are you thinking yet?  Is this not true?  Go ahead, test it.

We live in such a go-go-go society today that to achieve all the things you want in one day is nearly impossible.  Actually, it IS impossible.  A better way might be to slow down, pay attention to what you ARE doing and change what you need to.

That’s what a Family Coach can do for you.  You will learn not just how to, but also why:

• Speak at their level
• Listen with respect
• Always give at least 2 choices (that you can live with )
• Soften your voice
• Slow down your speech when you are not being heard
• Discuss alternatives – and how would that feel?
• Remember they are practicing to be a “big” person just like you

In practice to be just like you, are you giving them the BEST example?  What do you need to change?  What do you want to change?

Let’s find out together.  You are never alone.  Your Family Coach is there for your support and to honor what changes you wish to make.  This could be FUN, which is mandatory for the “little people”, and essential for you.

For example:  My daughter was having difficulty learning the days of the week.  I’d never encountered this before with my other children, but for her this was true.  So I asked her some guided questions to see where she was coming from and then asked: “Okay, I have no idea how to help her in this.  Please give me an idea.”  Bingo!  This concept came to me and here is how it works:

Materials needed:

• Colorful markers
• 3 x 5 cards
• Tape

On the face of each card draw something meaningful to the child in a picture form (i.e., soccer ball on Monday’s card which stands for practice that takes place on Mondays).  Also place the word MONDAY in bold, black letters.  Do the same for each day of the week.

Tape the cards in order on the back of his/her bedroom door.  Place Saturday and Sunday cards slightly further apart from Mon.-Fri. to designate week-ends visually.  Each morning make it a game and initially say what day it is and guide him/her to the correct card, saying the letters together.

Now have the child place the card on the front of the door.  It is by itself (all day long) and can be noticed going in and out of the bedroom.  At the end of the day, or beginning of the next, change it.  Be patient.  Realize we all think differently and be open to whatever shows up.  Look what imagination can do for you.

If you are having difficulty tapping into your imagination, your Family Coach can be of assistance. We can problem solve and create what is needed.

JUST KEEP IT SIMPLE

Let’s focus in on our life today and the importance of our center – our family.

This is an opportunity to find out what is really necessary, important, and nurturing for us.  We can either throw up our hands in dismay and see the bad side, or we can pay attention to what our priorities are as a people.

When times get tough the best way to find comfort, love and motivation to be better is through the most important people in our lives.  For those of us who do not have the scripted “family” it is still your place of comfort and love through whatever structure you have chosen to be in, in your life.  There are as many configurations as thoughts to the word “family”.  You know what yours is.  Just turn into it.

Maybe the cloud’s silver lining is for us to remember what values we as family hold dear.  We have grown away from talking in a meaningful way with one another due to our busy lives and the speed with which life seems to run.

Take a step back.  Think about what you want to impart to your children.  Do they see hysterical parents, worrying over what they have no control over?  Or do they see strong, resilient people that can regroup, slow down, show only love to one another and move forward as best they can.

“Little pictures” do have big ears.  They watch what you do in difficult circumstances and learn from that behavior and speaking.  Why not show them that the resilience you have comes from your inner beliefs and even from them too.  Your children may be “little” but it is their innocent eyes looking up to you for guidance that spurs you on to do your best.  “I don’t know what is to come, or how we will get through this, but with you by my side I just know that we can not only survive, but even thrive.  Just hang on. We CAN do it!

In whatever circumstance you find yourself in, focus on the positive.  It’s in there.  Just keeplooking.  If you had to pick 5 gratitudes for yourself for today, what would they be?  Tough one, you say?  Dig deeper.  Are you thankful for your dog that loves everyone unconditionally?  Are you thankful for running water?  Are you thankful for your meals provided by you or a generous other?  Are you thankful for being loved?  You have a lot to be grateful for TODAY.

What we focus on expands.  Is this not true?  If you keep talking about how miserable you are and do nothing but worry about tomorrow, what do you get?  More misery and more worry.  So change it up!  Ask for ideas, if you think they just aren’t coming to you.  Ask for help from with you.  You always get answers.

The simple answer is also:  if it is negative, it is from the ego.  If it is positive, it is from love.  We always have a choice.  What’s yours?

We may have to take baby steps.  It may have to be from day-to-day.  Perhaps our lesson is to look at each and every day.  Be in the moment.  Stay in the present.  That is where life’s gems are located.  You can’t find any?  You need to look closer, deeper from within and don’t stop until you find it.

Want some help?

Here’s an example:  when you are on the phone speaking to your sister and you say, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Jane (your other sister).”  The children are learning as you speck.  Secrets in any family will only harbor distrust, no matter how small.  If we attend to our own truths and attitudes, what matters in our own lives, we would perhaps do things differently and with more purpose.  Check out the questionnaire, “What are Your Family Values and Principles You Wish to Teach?” and, “Values and Principles You Wish to Teach?” Preparing ourselves for living what we teach takes some effort, but so worth it.  Consciously setting goals for the family and how you want your children to learn always starts with you.

How about the saying, “Little pictures have big ears.” Everyone knows what that means?  It’s another truism that little ones may not understand, but the other adult in the situation immediately knows to stop talking, the children are listening and the subject matter is not for them or they are too young to understand the total meaning of what you are saying.

Here’s another example of livng with integrity that teaches.  They see it, get it, feel it from within and it stays with them more than your words can.  Children are learning all the time and the younger we start teaching, the better.  Example:  My son was invited to Joey’s birthday party, which I accepted and told him about.  Two days later another invitation came for Jimmy’s birthday party on the same day, but he was having pony rides!  My son wanted to go to Jimmy’s, of course.  I then explained to him that the “rule of thumb” was that you always go to the one received and accepted first.  “But, Mommy, Jimmy is having pony rides!”  I further explained to him, “Sweetie, what the right thing to do is to go to the first party and you’ve accepted.  What if Joey’s party was your birthday party and no one came because they all went to Jimmy’s for pony rides?  How would you feel?”  He went to Joey’s party and actually had a great time.

In living what you teach remember that they hear when you yourself accept invitation.  “Oh, it’s too bad we can’t go to the Howards’ on  Saturday, but we did already accept dinner with Josh & Amy.  Oh, well!  Next time maybe.”

Truth is also something of value between you and your children.  the truth of how you live your life is like watching a movie for them.  What they see, listen to and feel, is not always a lesson you are teaching by words.